Pay attention, or the lessons get harder

Today I learned a lot, so I can't really call it a bad day. Of course, I probably pulled one of the dumbest stupid human tricks of my life, so while it was happening, I couldn't call it a good day either. Basically, while at work, I did something very very dumb that resulted in an injury, and took me out of commission for about half the day. Those consequences pale in comparison though, to what this particular little incident did to my credibility. I went from being one of the top performers to making the leadership question whether or not I was a liability.

I'm not going to go into specifics about what I did, but let's just say that the last time I did anything remotely this dumb was the time I decided to walk up the banister of a friend's deck, and I fell off after reaching the hight of about 10 feet. What I did today was even more rediculous, but not quite as serious. The whole situation left everyone, including myself, wondering, "what the hell is wrong with that guy? He must be such an idiot." Little did I know, this incident would shine a bright light on a problem I've been encountering a lot lately, and that is putting far too much stock in what others think of me.

I believe that we are all here to learn and to grow, so in that vein, I've been trying to shine light on all of the dark parts of my self, and attempting to enlighten them. One aspect of myself that I thought I had done a great job on was fear. I am not afraid of a thing; war, been to a few; skydiving, awesome, lets do it again; public speaking, I rock it everytime; bugs, eat them raw, or cook them first?; snakes, much better cooked....I think you get the point. I grew up as a pretty fearful child; I didn't like the dark, the water, and a lot of other things really freaked me out, but I worked hard to overcome all of them. I suppose the fear never quite went away though, because now I have an insecurity that runs deep.

I usually mask it with a false bravado and a kind of "I don't care what you think" attitude. I would say that at least 75% of that attitude comes from the fact that I know most people will buy it, and that it will get me some of the respect that I'm insecure about not getting. This is really taking a lot to put this out on a public domain, but I think it is a big enough break through that it should be shared, just in case anyone else feels the same way. There are a lot of aspects of the way I act, and what I do that are influenced by what I think people will think of me. Also, if I don't think that I'll be any good at an activity, I won't try it, or if I do try it, I will make sure that I act like the clown, that way if I suck, people will say, "he wasn't really trying." I'm so afraid that I won't live up to some standard, that oftentimes I never even get in the arena. I've seen this problem in myself before, but I obviously haven't corrected it.

Even though I made the conscious decision to do what I did, that resulted in my injury, I believe that it served a higher purpose. Now, I'm not going to get into a debate about predestination, fate/freewill, because I don't know how that kind of thing works, but I do believe that God/the Universe/whatever presents opportunities to us for us to learn, but if we keep ignoring them, they get louder, and less ignorable. This lesson was pretty hard to ignore. I spent all of this time building a confident shell around the little insecure fat kid that I still carry around inside, but one stupid human trick cracked that right in half and showed the world just how thin my skin could be. Now I'm faced with more embarrassment than I could've really imagined, and I've realized something huge....It's not that bad.

I've got quite a few looks and chuckles, and a few better friends have said, "dude, you're a dumb-ass," but all in all, people are less worried about what I do than I had imagined. This leads to an even greater realization that really should have been a real "no brainer." I am not the center of anyone else's universe, probably not even my own. At the end of the day, everyone has their own concerns, their own fears, insecurities, problems, etc, and they don't really give a damn about what stupid stunt I pulled, or the 10 lbs. I put on during vacation, or how much weight I can move in the gym. In the end, the only person who has to be ok with who you are, is you. When looked at from a greater perspective, this life is a flash in the pan, a good 80 years or so is all anyone could ask for, there is absolutely no sense in wasting all of your energy and awareness on trivial matters that are beyond your control. You can barely control what you think, you could waste an entire lifetime trying to control what others think.

So, take to heart some of what I said and do some careful self analysis, because if you don't, the light might just keep getting brighter until eventually you burn yourself on it.